


Ab Initio

by scarletsptember



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angest, M/M, Violence, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-10
Updated: 2011-05-10
Packaged: 2017-10-19 05:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/197657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletsptember/pseuds/scarletsptember
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's always been Sam and Dean from the beginning but Sam's time in Hell has changed him. It's made him into the one thing he's feared and he'll do whatever it takes to keep Dean safe. Even if it means staying away. Needing to stay sane he leaves something behind for Dean, just knowing it's there allows him to keep hold on the last threads of his humanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam

Sam curled in tight against his knees with his hands covering his ears from the screams. His eyes were squeezed shut, trying to block out the bright flares from the fires. He buried his nose against his jeans, trying to get away from the smell of sulfur and tortured flesh. The cage was louder, and brighter than the rest of Hell. No rest, no breaks. This was eternal damnation.

This is where he’d be serving out the rest of his life. This is what he sacrificed everything for. Sam buried his face deeper into his arms from the echoes of another howl. There were only so many ways he could try to keep himself sane. He tried counting seconds, minutes, and days but from the moment Adam disappeared from the cage, he lost track of how long he had been lock in here.

For the longest time he drew patterns with the tips of his fingers across the floor. Small mindless shapes to keep his mind occupied and away from the cries for help, he lost himself in the drawing until he realized what his fingers were moving through. He remembered moving across the cage to the opposite end, his stomach roiling at the thought of the charred ash and bone.

Afterwards, it was Dean that he thought of that kept his mind calm. It always came back to Dean. Even through the smells and the sounds it was always Dean who managed to keep him sane. Sam could barely remember what laughter sounded like but when he thought he did, it was Dean’s laugh and his shit eating grin that had him pushing past the bone wrenching screams. It was the memories of their hunts and the long night drives in the Impala that had Sam running bloodied fingers through his hair instead of pulling it from his scalp in terror.

His thoughts always came back to Dean.

Until everything changed. The flames cooled, the screams quieted, and the air was crisp against his skin. Sam looked up and he saw blue. Sam couldn’t remember the last time he saw the color blue when it was so bright and deep. It was almost as if you could reach out and cup water in your hands to drink from it.

“Hello Sam.”

Sam looked over towards the figure sitting next to him and he shivered. “Castiel.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner,” Castiel placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder and instantly everything felt lighter. Sam flexed his hands and he looked down at them to see that they were free of blood, scabs, dust and sulfur.

“I thought I was stuck there.”

“God does not punish the selfless, Sam.” Castiel answered softly.

“How long was I in there?” Sam stretched out the muscles in his legs and grimaced at the state of his shoes. Despite what the angel could do for his hygiene he couldn’t do much for the state of his clothes.

“It has been a while, Sam.” Castiel answered cryptically as he placed warm fingers against Sam’s forehead and moved them into an empty motel room. Sam looked around the room. He spotted a folded up newspaper with a pair of car keys lying on top of it. He was already itching to get his hands on the newspaper to see how much time he had lost since being in the Cage. A laptop had been situated on the nightstand and a suitcase lay undisturbed on the bedspread. “This room has all the answers you seek. It will tell you where your brother is, what day it is, and what you should know about what is happening outside that door.”

“How long do I have the room for?”

“Three days.” Castiel answered. “You aren’t the same any longer Sam.”

“It’s not hard to figure out, Cas.” Sam whispered as he flexed his fingers out again. The air felt cold against his skin. He could breathe, he could move. His body sung out with unused energy.

“You are not meant to have gotten free. You were meant to remain in Hell for eternity, Sam. Demons will be after you, they will chase you until there is nothing left. It wouldn’t be wise to stay here longer than it’s needed to clean up and rest. You need to leave before they realize you are here.”

“How will they know I’m here?”

“The length of time you were in the Cage has done more to the demon blood running through your veins then you could have ever done to yourself by ingesting demon blood. Your blood will call to them. Wherever you are, they will find you Sam.”

“Then why bring me out?” Sam wiped a weary hand over his eyes. “Why risk it?”

“Because you were never meant to be taken from your path and both you and your brother were when you sacrificed yourself by jumping into the Cage. Take the night to rest and to think but do not remain here longer than necessary.”

Sam blinked and Castiel was gone from the room. Sam looked at the newspaper sitting across the room and closed his eyes tightly ignoring the burning curiosity. He moved towards the suitcase and unzipped it. There was a packet of envelopes and paper setting on top of two sets of clothes and a pair of sleeping pants next to a new set of boots. Sam ignored the envelopes and paper and he grabbed the sleeping pants to head for the shower. He ran the water cold as he washed, enjoying the feeling of something he could control again for once.

The feel of the cool water and soap relaxed his muscles. It calmed his nerves more than he actually liked to think about. Once he was out the shower he perched against the edge of the bed with the newspaper in hand. Taking a deep breath Sam steeled himself for the date. He choked as he flipped through further pages to check that he wasn’t seeing things. It was already October.

Which was why the laptop was there so Sam could catch up on current events. To make sure the world wasn’t falling victim to another apocalypse. First things first, check to make sure Dean was alive and then he’d check on other things.

By morning, Sam had everything that Castiel left in the motel room packed up tightly in the suitcase. If Castiel was right, and the demon blood did end up calling to other demons there was no way Sam would stay longer than needed. He needed to leave. He needed to let Dean know he was alive.

The moment Sam stepped out of the motel room he knew something was wrong. The hair on the back of his neck stood on edge as every muscle tensed with the adrenaline of knowing his life was in danger. Seconds after the rush of adrenaline flooded his veins something so hot went soaring across his body.

Sam was internally cursing Castiel for not leaving him any kind of weapon when he spotted them. Sam didn’t even have to be face to face with them to know what they were. There was something nudging at him, telling him to go to them and to follow them back home. To Hell. Curling his fingers tight around the keys in his hands Sam clicked the unlock button on the smart key. His eyes were franticly searching for the flicker of headlights to see which car was left for him. A truck.

Sam was running, his feet were sliding against the loose gravel just as the demons ran to meet him halfway. With a wide arch of his arm and the suitcase, Sam sent one of the demons sprawling towards the ground. He grappled over control with the bulky vessel, finally letting the suitcase and all its contents contained inside go as he ran.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Sam grimaced at the feeling of a thick hand yanking his hair back, tugging him towards the ground. He was supposed to be safe now that he was out of the Cage. Sam rolled against the loose gravel and fought for control, landing blow after blow onto milky white skin that was turning blood red. He was supposed to be able to go back to Dean. Sam felt the anger pooling beneath his skin as the skin at his knuckles cracked. He was never going to have the life he wanted.

“What do you want from me?” Sam gritted out as he stared into the soulless eyes.

“I want you to go back where you belong.”

Sam blinked and stared down at what he had done to the poor vessel that the demon had taken control of. He was shocked at the blood, the broken bones and the torn skin. Looking up and around at the bloodied faces that were quietly watching him Sam scrambled to his feet and grabbed for the suitcase. As soon as he was in the truck he peeled out of the parking lot. Looking back in the rearview mirror, Sam watched as the demons worked to help each other up off the ground. They stood watching him drive away, bloodied faces fading from his view the further he got.

Sam swallowed down the fear and revulsion of what he had just done and focused on the road. He tightened his grip against the steering wheel with one hand at he attempted to wipe the other clean on his jeans. He repeated the process before he realized his hands were starting to shake. Sam could feel the adrenaline still pumping through his veins. He could feel his heart beating against his chest as heat sliced through his veins. “Shit.”

Sam slammed on the brakes as he aimed the truck towards the shoulder of the road as he caught his breath and he kept his eyes focused on each of the mirrors and windows for intruders. If Castiel was right and his blood did change while he was in the Cage, his life wasn’t going to be what he wanted it to be. If demons were going to be coming after him left and right, there was no way he could go to Dean. Not when he was with Lisa and Ben. “Oh God.”

Sam rested his head on the steering wheel, trying to prevent the warmth of tears that were threatening to spill over. He was going to leave his brother behind. He was going to leave Dean behind forever this time. Sam titled his head over and looked at the suitcase and remembered what Castiel said. You’ll have everything you need here. That’s why there were envelopes. Maybe he didn’t have to leave him behind completely.

~*~

Sam stood quietly beneath the flickering lamp post outside Lisa’s house. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, fingers rubbing against the softened paper he had scribbled out a hurried letter to Dean. The memory was still fresh in Sam’s mind of the busy intersection where he made the decision to leave his brother and the world he had once known behind. Sam wondered whether or not he should actually leave the letter for Dean or if he should stay away completely. He watched as Dean moved around the dining room table with half a smile and his eyes tracking the conversation going on around the table.

Sam felt something tug at his heart seeing the scene unfolding in front of him. Dean was following his wishes. He was going for that apple pie life he had promised and he wasn’t looking for a way to get him out of the Cage, but it hurt seeing Dean with Lisa. It hurt seeing Dean with someone else. It was supposed to be them. It was always supposed to be Sam and Dean.

“You could tell him that you’re back.”

“I think that this is his one and only chance at a new beginning.” Sam looked over at the trench coat clad angel. “He deserves better than getting mixed up with me, Cas. He deserves a chance at happiness, an actual chance at being normal. Don’t you think so?”

“Don’t you deserve the same happiness that you’re allowing your brother?” Castiel asked. His eyes were bright beneath the lamp light. Sam took a deep breath before he shrugged his shoulders.

“I did a lot more harm to the world than he did, Cas. I caused this mess. I think I should be the one out there hunting. Anyways, he’s not the one that has a price on his head. I’m the one who got out after putting Lucifer back. I’m the one they want back in the Cage or on the racks. I’ve got the soul they want to shred to pieces. I can’t risk them finding Dean because I’ve gotten too close to him.”

“If that’s true then why are you here?” Castiel asked and Sam nodded towards the Impala. “You are not taking the Impala. You still have the truck I left for you.”

Sam grinned at the angel, “No, I’m taking something from the Impala. If I know Dean, which I do, he still has all our weapons locked in the trunk. I just happen to need mine back.”

“How are you going to get them?” Castiel cocked a challenging brow at Sam which got a sigh from Sam.

“Since you’re not going to help me, I’ll go with the old fashioned way. Dean taught me how to do this when we were younger and Dad used to lock everything in here. He even locked his journal in the trunk.” Sam smiled the memory. “Dean would sneak out here, get in the trunk and grab a gun so he could practice and he’d steal pages out of the journal so I could learn.”

“Your father probably knew what you two were doing.”

“Probably,” Sam agreed with a shrug. “But it was still something else Dean taught and did for me.”

“I could unlock the trunk for you,” Castiel offered. “Leave no traces of your popping the lock to get into Dean’s car. It would make him less inclined to want to hunt you down for harming his baby.”

Sam looked over at Castiel with a wide grin on his face. “Yeah, that would probably be faster and quieter.”

They both looked up with the lights switched off in the dining room and lights flipped on at the opposite end of the house. “We should move now. Dean is more aware at night. Even when he dreams, he wakes a lot. He doesn’t like seeing you in his dreams when he knows he can’t see you in person.”

Sam swallowed down the reality Castiel let him in on. He understood what it was like not wanting to dream. As good as the dreams were it was always like waking up into a nightmare because Dean wasn’t going to be there with him. His other half was somewhere else and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Let’s get this over with, Cas.”

“You could still go to him and tell him that you’re back.”

“They’d use him to get to me. Wouldn’t they? They’d be after both of us.”

“Would that be any different from the life you were once used to?” Castiel asked with an all too human shrug that caused Sam to sigh. “The decision is yours to make, Sam. I’ll be here either way.”

“I had my chance at normal. He deserves his.” Sam bit into his bottom lip ignoring the pain that filled his chest as he looked over at Castiel, “Let’s do this.”

As soon as they were at the trunk it popped open with a barely audible click. Sam dug around on the surface of the messy trunk and found an old sweater of his. He picked it up and couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of the worn fabric. Tossing it all the way to the back, Sam popped the false lid and took a moment to study all the weapons. He didn’t really want to take something of his own, other than the knife that Ruby had given him. He would need that more than he wanted to think about. Everything else though, all his eyes keep going to was Dean’s chrome Colt 1911.

His hands moved faster than his brain and he snatched the gun out of the trunk and he placed the weapon at the small of his back. Getting bullets wouldn’t be a problem but he grabbed a box just incase before he let the false lid drop closed.

After pulling the sweater to the front of the trunk he stuffed the letter he had been toying with all night inside the pocket of his old sweater. Sooner or later Dean would find it and he’d know. One day, Sam would go to that PO Box and he’d see an envelope instead of an empty cubby hole and his entire world would change. Until then, this was the end.

 

Dean

Dean lay awake in his bed wondering how much longer he should even give this life a try. Lisa knew he wasn’t in it all the way. Hell even Ben knew something was off and he was smart enough to give Dean wide berth. As long as he provided well enough for Lisa and Ben while he kept his own personal demons out of the house, they were okay as housemates.

Looking over at the clock and across the empty space of the room Dean sighed. It was going to be another one of those nights. It was going to be one of those nights were he kept looking for Sam in the shadows of a room that was too small and too comfortable for it to be a motel room.

“Damn it, Sammy.” Dean wiped a heavy hand over his eyes and curled around his pillows. It wasn’t fair being here without his brother. Not after everything they had been through. “Not tonight, just let me sleep tonight.”

Dean could feel his eyes burning with the weight of sleep when a soft knock had his eyes widening instantly and he watched as the door slide open slowly.

“Dean?” Lisa’s voice was soft and she sat on the edge of his bed. Her hand cautiously reached out to rub Dean’s leg, to wake him as if he weren’t already awake.

“What is it?” His voice scared her and she tensed before she began to speak.

“You’ve been here for a few months now.” Lisa toyed with lose threads on the quilt covering Dean’s legs. “I don’t know what happened and you won’t tell me. I’m not going to ask you to either. You deserve your privacy, Dean. But you’re not happy here. You’ve haven’t been happy since the moment you got here.”

Dean sat up and reached for the cup of water sitting on his nightstand and swallowed some of it down. Trying to use the few seconds he spent drinking the water to figure out what was going on. Setting the cup down on a crumpled paper towel Dean wiped his lips dry before looking back at Lisa. “I should go, shouldn’t I?”

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” Lisa’s voice was soft. To Dean it sounded like she didn’t want to even suggest he leave. “It would probably be safer for Ben and me if you were to stay here but that’s selfish of me. What you aren’t hearing, what you aren’t seeing is that you can’t be happy here. As much as you want to believe you can be, it isn’t possible for you.”

Dean looked over to the corner of the room, avoiding Lisa’s teary eyes. After a second Dean nodded to himself before throwing the blanket back and heading for the dresser and grabbing his clothes out the drawers and tossing them onto the bed.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Lisa stood up when his wallet hit her. “I didn’t mean you had to leave.”

“No you didn’t but,” Dean moved to the closet to get his duffle bag, “it’s not like I’m going to be sleeping tonight. So what’s the difference between me leaving tonight and tomorrow morning?”

Dean started methodically rolling his clothes like he used to during hunts and shoving them into the duffle bag. “Either way, Ben’s not going to get a good-bye from me, Lisa. We both know it. So there’s no point in acting like he would. It’ll be better for everyone if I just go now if I’m going to go.”

“Where are you going to go?” Lisa stood up. Her voice was an angry whisper as her arm gestured wildly around the room. “Do you have any friends around here that you’ve kept a secret from me that you can actually stay with?”

Dean snorted as he zipped his bag up. “No but I can do what I’ve always done. I’ll find a motel far enough outside of town or even the state that no one around here will bother you or Ben about me.”

“So that’s what you’re going to do?” Lisa rubbed a hand over teary eyes. “You’re just going to disappear.”

Dean started putting on his shoes and growled in frustration when a manicured hand reached out and yanked a boot from his grip. He reached back and shoved one foot in the boot before going for the second as he spoke, “That’s who we are, Lisa. We disappear.”

Dean froze as he was slipping his second boot on, realizing what he said. He bit into his lip hard enough to draw blood before having the guts to correct him self. “It’s who I am, Lisa. I’m not meant to stay in one place. I’m meant to be on the road doing what I do. This was a great idea but it was a mistake. I should have just ignored everything that said I could do this and went with my gut. It would have saved you and Ben a whole lot of trouble.”

“You’re right.” Lisa nodded her voice was resolute in agreement. “It would have but at least we know how to protect ourselves. Leave your keys on the counter and have the kindness to leave Ben a note and your cell phone number if you don’t say goodbye to him in person.”

Dean watched as Lisa wandered from his room down the hallway into Ben’s room. Seeking comfort from the only constant she would ever have in her life. Dean did another sweep of the room making sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind before he shoved his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans and shouldering his duffle bag.

As he walked through the living room Dean scratched the back of his neck, even more uncomfortable being here now that he was leaving. He could pick out the little things that Ben made grudgingly at school and Lisa always displayed somewhere at the house. He noticed the new things Lisa took photos of and framed along the walls, always changing them out like last weeks trash. There was nothing of Dean’s was there. Everything he owned was either in the Impala or could be packed in a duffle bag. This was further proof he didn’t belong here, he just couldn’t figure out how to live here.

Propping the bag by the door, Dean snagged a piece of paper and scrawled out a half assed good-bye to Ben. He didn’t bother leaving his cell phone number, knowing full well he’d be changing it as soon as he hit the road to cut all connections with Lisa and this town. No point of leaving if there were people still calling and bitching. All he could offer was: a PO Box and a, I’ll get to you as soon as I can if the shit hits the fan.

Dean popped the trunk and tossed the duffle bag in. He eyed Sam’s hoodie. His hand automatically reached out to rub along the worn neckline. “I tried, man. I tried for as long as I could, Sammy. It just didn’t work out for me. Guess its either going back to hunting or hanging out with Bobby because Lisa ain’t cutting it. She’s really fucking clingy.” Dean grunted as he closed the hood and headed towards the driver’s side of the car and let the calm of the Impala rush over him as he cranked her up.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean  
Dean sat drumming his fingers as he stared at Bobby’s trying to figure out if he should head on in or turn around and head back out towards the interstate. Chewing on his lip, Dean let out a long sigh thinking back to how many times he had actually called the man. A grand total of none, “Damn it, he’s going to kill me for just showing up.”

Dean flinched at the sound of a barrel of a shotgun tapping against his window. He looked out his window at Bobby and he hit his head on the steering wheel before finally opening the door and getting out of the Impala. “Hey there, Bobby.”

Bobby cocked a brow at Dean, “Hey there, Bobby? That’s all you have to say to me after how long? I didn’t even know if you were still breathing you idjit.” Bobby rested the shotgun against the Impala and promptly popped Dean over the back of the head. He ignored the hiss of pain from the younger man as he gathered him up in a tight hug. “Pick up a damn phone after the next apocalypse. I had to hear from damn feather brains that you were alive.”

“Cas is still around?” Dean pushed back away from Bobby, shocked painted across his face.

“Yeah, he ain’t stopped by to see you? I would have figured you were the first person on his reunion tour.” Bobby pulled at his hat already uncomfortable with the fact that Dean hadn’t gotten his visit from the angel.

“Obviously not,” Dean turned around in a circle, his hands tugging on his hair. “What the hell, Bobby? You get a visit from him but I don’t? My own angel doesn’t visit me?”

“I don’t know what to tell you kid. The angel stopped in late October and that’s the only time I’ve seen him. He just popped in and gave me this weird ass hug and said, ‘It pleases me to see you in good health, Bobby.’ And he disappeared, like it was an everyday occurrence.”

“He’s always been strange, Bobby.” Dean wiped a hand over his lips before heading towards the trunk of the Impala and grabbing his duffle bag along with Sam’s hoodie.

“Right, strange ain’t the word for it, kid. He had me making sure I was taking my pills daily. I was worried I was about to drop dead getting visited by an angel that was supposed to be back up in heaven. Yeah that’s a fun experience right there. Let me tell you.”

“I’d take that over where I’ve been.”

“Yeah?” Bobby grabbed his shotgun and walked side by side with Dean up to the house. “And where have you been exactly? It’s not like you actually let anyone know you were alive and kicking.”

“Lisa’s.” Dean looked down at his boots and sighed. “Look how well that turned out for me.”

“I got a room you can have if you want it.” Bobby tugged on the bill of his hat. “It ain’t much but it’s something if you aren’t going to be on the road.”

“Show me the way so I can throw my shit down and lead me to the nearest case. I gotta do something, Bobby.” Dean looked up and met dark eyes his hand curling tight around Sam’s sweater. “I don’t know how to do anything other than hunting. I gotta do something because this whole trying to be normal ain’t working out too well for me at the moment. It makes my bones hurt.”

“Well the room’s up the stairs and on your right. The one you and,” Bobby stopped himself. “It’s the old one you used to sleep in when your Daddy would drop you off during the summer. It’s cleared out and empty so rest up if you want but you’ll pull your weight when you’re not hunting. Got it?”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else.” Dean nodded and took the creaky steps one at a time. He stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at the closed door. The one he and Sam shared when Dad would drop them off during the summer and Bobby would let them hide out and create whatever mischief and mayhem they wanted for a few days. It was heaven being here those summers. Now, with his hand on the door handle, Dean couldn’t think of any worse hell than this room with out Sam in it.

 

Sam

“It’s December, Sam.” Castiel spoke from beside Sam at the small cubby hole of a postal box in Ellisville, Mississippi. Sam flipped through the pointless trash that always seemed to appear in the box. Outdated advertisements for local businesses that he never bothered staying in town long enough for to see what was so special about them that they needed advertising.

“I know what month it is, Cas. I can feel the drop in temperature and I’m pretty sure I looked at the date. My cell phone likes to chirp the date at me every time it turns on for some reason.” Sam grumbled before closing the box and locking it. “Why do you feel the need to remind me that it’s December?”

“You are leaving a trail that is becoming stronger every time you head here. They will eventually find you, Sam. They will figure out why you come here.”

Sam rolled his eyes and headed out the post office ignoring the friendly wave from the clerk behind the counter. Before he stepped out into the parking lot he scanned the area. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. No heat, no call. There weren’t any demons here. It was just him and Cas here. “They haven’t found me yet, Cas. When they do find me I’ll kill them.”

“You are putting yourself at risk every time you do this.”

Sam spun around slamming a hand into Castiel’s chest. His eyes went wild, a ring of yellow encasing hazel eyes as his breathing became uncontrolled. “He is all I have left! He’s all that’s keeping me here.”

“He hasn’t found the letter yet.” Castiel’s voice grew soft after Sam’s outburst.

“How do you know? How could you possibly know?”

“I have been watching over Dean. He hunts and he keeps the sweater in the safest place he could think of.” Castiel closed his eyes and looked up towards the darkening sky. “It stays at Bobby’s. It stays at the only place he can sleep at night without you by his side.”

“What do I do?” Sam reached out to curl his fingers around Castiel’s trench coat but Castiel moved away from Sam’s touch. Sam flinched from the action and felt another thread of his humanity break away and fall into the acidity of the taint of demon blood littering his veins. “What do I do, Cas? Where am I supposed to go from here?”

“You make a decision, Sam.” Castiel spoke resolutely. “Do you do this by yourself or do you do this with your brother by your side?”

“What exactly am I doing?” Sam sighed as opened the truck but stopped at his reflection. His eyes. The inhumane yellow color that was bleeding in to his hazel green eyes, it was becoming unreal. Another testament to what the demon blood and what his time in hell was doing to him. He was losing his grip on the last traces of his humanity. Sam looked over at Castiel with tears filling his eyes as his voice cracked on his next words, “What exactly am I doing that’s making me such a monster?”

“You’re not a monster Sam. You have never been a monster. And what you are doing right now? You are doing the only thing you can do.” Castiel pressed a hand against Sam’s shoulder, his thumb rubbing against the warm skin of Sam’s neck. “You are surviving, so keep doing that for both your brother and for me.”

Sam swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and he nodded. “Promise me something, Cas.”

“Anything.”

“You’ll watch out for him.” Sam asked. “You’ll go and watch out for him because I can’t. Just don’t let him see you because he’ll know something is up if you’re back.”

“I can do that.” Castiel whispered and the warmth and lightness of Castiel’s touch disappeared from Sam’s skin just as quickly as it appeared. Sam was left alone next to his truck wondering where to go next, wondering he should do.

~*~

Sam found himself sitting in the middle of a motel room in Oklahoma when he penned out another letter to Dean. It was close to Christmas and it was going to be the first on in a long time he didn’t spend the holiday on the road with his brother or at Bobby’s. He held the pen to the paper until the ink bled through and he finally wrote out Dean’s name.

 

Dean,

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you but its Christmas and all I can think about is how much life would be different if I would have just gone straight to you instead of running. I have to believe that it’s for the best. That it’s my turn to protect you in return for all the times you’ve protected me. I miss you so much. I miss the way you laugh, the way you smile at the craziest things, the way you hum along to whatever is playing. I miss everything. Fuck, I miss you, Dean.

 

Sam slipped the letter into an unaddressed envelope and shoved it deep into his duffle bag hoping he would forget about it. Sam began the methodical process he had started since he had first encountered the demons; a knife sheath strapped to his thigh, a gun at the small of his back before he finally slipped on his jacket and grabbed his keys.

Heading out into the cold night, Sam closed his eyes and breathed in the scents and feelings he had become so familiar with: hell, sulfur, pain, torture, death, despair. This was the reason why he was Oklahoma in the first place. He could feel the call of it pulling at his blood, persuading him to come out and play with the darkness.

Shaking his head clear Sam grinned when he heard the footsteps echoing around him. They were circling around him and slipping in closer. He didn’t have to do much to find them. They did all the work for him. It was something about his leaving Hell that made other demons search him out. They wanted to be the ones to put him back where he belonged.

He moved with slow steps out across the parking lot and towards the woods. His right hand going to unclasp the holster at his thigh as he moved, his fingers unconsciously curling around the hilt of the blade before his grip loosened and he grasped the cool metal of the gun at his back and he stopped.

A soft snap of a twig had Sam spinning towards the sounds and they were moving after him. The closer they got the hotter he felt. He tugged his jacket off, letting it fall to the ground and watched as his breath materialized against the freezing air. Sam’s movements were rapid as he pulled his gun from his back and fired off rounds to incapacitate. As he moved closer he slid the knife from his holster and straight into the broken vessel’s chest. He watched in fascination as the black eyes glazed over before the drained to their human counter parts.

The cackling laughter behind him had Sam freezing before a hand struck out against the side of his face sending him sprawling against the ground. “You can’t fight us forever, Sam.”

Sam met a pair of black eyes and a bloody grin, “Then I will fight until I die.”

“And you’ll end up right back in Hell.” Sam felt the kick against his chest and everything lit on fire. It was almost as if from that one blow something so feral woke up inside him. Sam was moving with such a wild intensity and pinning the demon below him, his hands grasping either side of the vessel’s face before he knew what was happening. He barely heard the words that were spilling from the demon’s lips as he fought of the urge to kill so savagely. “You don’t belong here. You aren’t even one of us. You’re such an abomination everyone wants you back in the Cage. Do you know what my prize is if I bring you back?”

From the mention of the Cage it was like something snapped inside of Sam. Something inside of him snapped along with the crack of the fragile neck Sam held beneath his hands. He felt bile rise in his throat from the mouthy grin the demon was still giving him. Everything human was dead but the demon was still alive.

Sam held the blade to the demon’s throat and whispered, “What’s your prize? Eternal damnation?” Sam didn’t wait for the snarky comeback as he slid the knife right across its throat and he watched the demon disappear.

Sam rolled off the empty vessel and he closed his eyes, praying that somehow he’d make it through this. A soft rustles of clothes prompted him to open his eyes. Castiel was standing over him and Sam felt a wet heat trailing along his cheeks and he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t do this alone anymore.

“They followed you.” Castiel’s voice was even as he plucked Sam up off the ground. “You did what any hunter would have done.”

“I have to believe that.” Sam nodded. “It’s just hard to believe that when it’s just me here. It’s hard to believe that when I have no one to remind me that I’m still human.”

Dean,

I’m drowning here. All I can feel is how evil I’ve become and how much I’m drowning in what I’ve become. How much I’m losing what little I have left I have of my soul. There’s no higher power, no greater good that’s going to save me. The Sam you knew, he is gone.

 

Castiel

Leaving Sam on his own was harder than he expected. There was too much at stake to leave the younger Winchester alone but he couldn’t go back on his promise to the hunter. So he left Sam and went to watch over Dean despite everything that was telling him not to.

Castiel stood far enough away watching as Dean tumbled out the window of an apartment building and went clambering down the rusted fire escape as quickly and safely as he could manage with a werewolf on his heels.

Dean made it to the second story of the building and chanced a look over his shoulder. Castiel could see the lightening fast decision the hunter had made once he realized how close the werewolf was to him and how much danger he was in. Castiel watched as Dean jumped from the fire escape to the warped pavement and hissed as his ankle twisted beneath him trying to get as much space between the two of them as he could.

“Damn it,” Dean grit his teeth and scrambled to a run. Castiel was tempted to intervene to put a stop to this before Dean got injured or worse but the hunter surprised both he and the wolf. The angel let out a breath of relief when Dean spun around and stopped with a feral grin as he raised his gun chest height, “Eat it, Fifi.”

Dean huffed out a breath and he looked around to see if anyone saw him before he started to limp back to the Impala grumbling about fucking werewolves and how god damn hot it was in Texas.

Castiel waited until Dean pulled away from the alley before following him to the motel he was staying at. Dean haphazardly wrapped his ankle and didn’t bother icing it down like he should have, like Sam would have insisted he do. As soon as Dean was out Castiel slipped into the room unnoticed and brushed a finger along the outside of Dean’s ankle before disappearing out.

 

 

Dean

“Hey, Bobby!” Dean yelled as headed through the house, favoring one leg over the other. He dropped his duffle bag of clothes by the couch and carefully set his bag of weapons on the kitchen table to clean later on during the night.

Bobby made his way through the house with an irritated look on his face, “What?”

“Killed me a werewolf,” Dean grinned wide at the disgruntled look on Bobby’s face.

“And you just had to share the news?” Bobby smirked, already sitting down ready to hear the play-by-play even though he was complaining. “I was in the middle of an important phone call with what’s-his-face.”

“So important you can’t remember his name?” Dean grinned pulling two celebratory beers out of the fridge. He passed one over to Bobby before he sat down. “Yeah it was just like that one time me and Sam headed over to El Paso, I don’t know what it is with Texas and werewolves, but it was great.”

“Yeah?” Bobby’s eyebrows disappeared into his hat at the mention of Sam’s name. It hadn’t been quite a year since Sam went into the Cage. It was only January but anytime someone mentioned: Sam, Sammy, Samantha or any variation similar to Sam’s name, Dean went off and disappeared for days. Maybe this was a step in the right direction for the kid.

“I miss him.” Dean said softly after a few minutes.

“I know.” Bobby drained his beer and watched Dean peel at his beer bottle. The it was like he was hit with the most gut wrenching thought. “What did you do?”

“Who says I did anything? Besides bust up my ankle while I was running for my life.” Dean looked up with wide eyes and Bobby stood up his hands yanking Dean out of the chair.

“What did you do?” Bobby asked desperately and Dean backed away from Bobby with wide eyes. “Oh god, please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid, not again. I can’t go through that not again. You promised, Sam!” Bobby yelled.

Dean shook his head and ran a nervous hand through his hair, “Calm down! I’ll show you.”

“You didn’t get a tattoo again, did you?”

“Surprised you hadn’t noticed.” Dean gave a sad smile as he pulled the sleeve of his shirt up to reveal the ink over his wrist. He barely had shown Bobby the tattoo before he was covering it back up. “I also did something else but it wasn’t stupid. It was more like a vacation I guess you could say. I found something in the Impala that made me do it. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again but everything was just getting to be too much, Bobby.”

“You gonna tell me what you found or are you going to keep gushing like a girl?”

“Shut up,” Dean muttered over his shoulder as he headed out the door and towards the Impala. Bobby stood by the window watching Dean like hawk, making sure he didn’t make a run for it. Dean pulled a map and a packet of something out the glove box before making a hasty return. He tossed the packet on the table and unfolded the map on the table.

“Sam used to always make marks on the maps we’d keep in the Impala. I never really understood what they meant.” Dean bit into his lip and curled his fingers into the palms of his hands as he took a deep breath to calm his breathing down. “I never took the time to understand what all the crazy little marks Sam made meant, not until now.”

Bobby looked at the maps and immediately recognized each of the spots. They were places Sam wanted to stop in but never asked to. He never would have said anything while he was with Dean or John. They were too touristy, too gaudy or too far off route to even bother with. Bobby reached for the packet and stopped before he got there. He looked to Dean for permission and Dean nodded for Bobby to go ahead.

“I got it from the Riverwalk in San Antonio. Dad never would have taken us and Sam mentioned it a few times when we passed through Texas. The big girl would have loved it, Bobby.” Dean explained as Bobby opened it up and Bobby shook his head.

“You going to take this much of a off shoot on every hunt?” Bobby held up the protection amulet, admiring the handy work. “Looks and feels like the real thing.”

“It is and I stopped on the way back. S’not like it was that big of a deal.” Dean started and he stopped, “I just needed something for me. The whole time I was taking out that werewolf all I was thinking of was what Sam would have done or what he would have thought. I wanted to turn to say something to him and I couldn’t because he wasn’t there. Then that damn map was there, Bobby.”

“I’m not saying don’t do what you have to do to keep functioning, kid.” Bobby handed to amulet back over towards Dean. He stopped short at the sight of the ink on Dean’s wrist taking in the Latin and sighing from the implications, “But this is just like me and Karen. I don’t want to see you turn into me. You deserve better.”

“So did Sam.” Dean whispered.

~*~

Dean laid curled up on his bed, his eyes going to the inked lines and along the inside of his wrist. He did do something stupid after making it to the Riverwalk. He went into the first tattoo shop that looked clean enough and put down enough money and he marked himself as Sam’s. He was always Sam’s. Ab Initio, from the beginning.

He remembered what it felt like driving in the Impala with the fresh tattoo. The ache of it rubbing against the seats and his clothes were just another reminder that Sam always with him no matter what. That he wasn’t alone. With a sigh Dean moved across the room and into the closet to pull out Sam’s old hoodie. He dug it out of the duffle bag and he gave a hopeless smile as he felt the soft give of the fabric beneath his fingers. Giving in to impulse Dean tugged the sweater over his head and closed his eyes against the warmth before he slid his fingers into the front pocket.

Rolling his eyes Dean grumbled, “You still stuff everything to the gills with paper even when you’re not here, don’t you Sammy?”

Dean plucked the paper out and frowned when he saw that it was an envelope. He rocked back to his feet and clicked on the lamp and felt a wave of confusion tumble over him when he saw his name in Sam’s hand writing. Not Sam’s handwriting he associated from Sam’s college days but the messy Sam handwriting from a year ago.

Dean sat on the edge of the bed staring down at the envelope before he pressed the worn paper to his lips. “This better not be what I think it is, Sam. I’ll find you in Hell and kick your ass for a good-bye letter.”

He slid his finger under the seal and grimace at how easy it gave, at how long it had been in the sweater waiting for him to read what was contained inside. He pulled the paper out and took a deep breath before unfolding it.

Dean,

This isn’t easy. I mean how did you go about doing this when you got back? You found a payphone then Bobby, right? All I have are envelopes and paper. I miss you so much, Dean. Promise me that you won’t go out looking for me. Promise me that you’ll keep living. Promise me that you’ll keep living even if you read this and you hate me for not coming to you like I should have but I couldn’t risk it. I can’t risk it with what’s happening. You’re worth everything to me. I can’t bring you into my mess. If you have to talk to me, I left some directions. It’s up to you, whether you use them or not. You won’t be able to track me. I’ve always been smarter than you, jerk. Just know that right now I’m alive and you’re everything that keeps me fighting.

Just promise you won’t come looking for me.

Sammy

 

Dean read the letter over and let out a loud wail before he slammed a fist into the wall. He wasn’t sure how long he was howling, fighting against himself before there were a set of arms wrapping around him to restrain his movements. He heard Bobby’s voice whispering in his ear trying to calm him down before he finally handed the letter over to him so he would understand what was going on. Dean closed his eyes and all he could see was the date of that letter. October. The same god damn date that Cas showed up and checked in on Bobby.

Sam had been out of the Cage and walking around topside since October? Dean rested against Bobby’s chest, his breath hitching and he listened to Bobby’s heart quicken against his ear. Bobby wrapped a hand around Dean’s arm tight and Dean knew Bobby was thinking the same thing he was thinking.

“What do I do?” Dean whispered. “What am I supposed to do?”

“You write him back.” Bobby handed Dean the second piece of paper with instructions and Dean stared down at it, not believing that Sam was alive. “Write your idjit of a brother back and tell him I’m going to kill him for this.”

All of a sudden Dean started laughing. He was laughing so hard there were more tears from laughter streaming down his face than from finding out that Sam was actually alive. When Bobby pressed a hand to his forehead Dean started laughing even harder.

“You want to tell me what’s so funny here, Winchester?”

“He broke into my baby to do this!” Dean waved the letter around, “The little bitch. He broke into the Impala to plant a letter that he knew I’d eventually find and he stole my weapons. Oh god and I thought he just stood next to me itching to get his hands on Dad’s journal. The little bitch actually learned how to jimmy the Impala’s trunk lock without damaging it.”

“You’re insane.” Bobby’s knees popped as he stood up swatting Dean’s head, “Both of you. You need help.”

Dean leaned his head back against the mattress and pulled in a long breath, “Yeah, you’re probably right about that.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sam

It was after Valentine’s Day before Sam made it back to Mississippi. Too many demons had figured out that there was a price on his head. Of course none of them had the decency to figure out if their prize really was a prize or if there even was one. The way Sam figured it, someone had to open and close Lucifer’s Cage and it only closed from the inside and he wasn’t going to be the one closing it this time.

Sam snorted as he pushed through the glass doors and actually nodded to the waving clerk behind the postal counter. Sam pulled the familiar key from his pocket and unlocked the box expecting to see flimsy ad paper again but he tilted his head at the padded package that had been stuffed into the cubby. He pulled it out and stared down at Dean’s hand writing. He blew out a shaky breath before he shut and locked the box. Sam stumbled out to his truck. He sat inside the cab just staring at the package before he cranked the engine over and set the package on the seat next to him.

He barely glanced at the package as he drove the four hours straight into Florida before he found a place he thought would be safe enough for him to stop at. He found a Bed and Breakfast and the ladies behind the counter marveled at how unique his eyes were. He swallowed down the revulsion from their comments and plastered on a fake smile as he snatched up the keys and made his way towards his room.

Sam set his bag at the foot of the bed and ran a hand through his hair as he settled down in the center of the bed. He held the padded envelope in his hands like it were a treasure he wasn’t quite sure what to do with.

Sam dug out a pocket knife from his duffle and slid it under the seal. He let the contents slide out across the bedspread and he couldn’t ignore the guilt that lanced through his chest at the sight of Dean’s wobbly handwriting. He knew the exact moment Dean wrote that letter. It was probably moments after Dean found the one Sam wrote.

 

Sam,

You’re lucky that you’re god knows where doing whatever you’re doing. I can’t believe you’re alive. I guess that accounts for my missing weapons? You bitch. I can’t believe you took my favorite gun. I really don’t know what to say right now but I do have something for you. I got it in San Antonio. When I saw it I immediately thought about you. So if I can’t watch your back maybe this will help. I figure your smart ass will know what it is.

Dean

Sam let his fingers slid along protection amulet. Of course he knew what it was. He was surprised Dean recognized it and picked it up wherever he was. A Saturn Seal. They weren’t the friendliest looking of amulets and if they were made correctly, which Sam almost one hundred percent positive this one was done right by the craftsmanship, they were extremely powerful.

Another note fell out of the package and onto the floor, Sam leaned over the bed to pick it up and he read it.

The man who made that said only one person could ever wear that amulet, Sam. You better put that damn thing on and never take it off. Got me? And you think I won’t find your ass. You leave a trail like a ghoul having a picnic on the Fourth of July.

Sam snorted only Dean would have the guts to compare him to a ghoul. Sam picked up the amulet and ran his fingers over the lines and smiled. Dean always had a way of looking out for him even when he wasn’t around.

Sam unclasped the necklace and set it around his neck and felt fire roaring through his veins from the intrusion. It was almost like he was being choked and his hands were scratching to get the necklace off. He tossed it across the room and stared at it gasping for air. “Had to get the real thing for once didn’t you, Dean?”

Sam slid to the floor and buried his face in his knees, trying to take deep breaths to calm the panic that was ebbing in. “I’m not a monster. I am not a monster. I am still Sam Winchester and I am still a hunter.” He stared at the bright silver against the navy carpeting and he crawled over to it. He let the chain of the necklace pool over his fingers and he felt the tears sting his eyes. He’d never be able to wear it. Sam curled into himself and let his nails bite into his palms. He took a few deep breaths before he sat up and rested against the wall. “Get yourself together, Sam. You can’t afford to freak out like this. There are still monsters out there trying to put you back in the Cage.”

Sam placed the necklace back in the package and buried it with the rest of his unsent letters. If he couldn’t wear it he could keep it with him. Sam looked around the room and grabbed a clean pair of sleep pants. A night of rest then he’d be back on the road. Time wasn’t a luxury for him any longer. In four hours he’d be back on the road trying to cover his trail once again.

 

Dean

Dean was sitting at Bobby’s kitchen table perusing a new addition to Bobby’s library about ghosts after Bobby nonchalantly mentioned an angry spirit that needed taking care of somewhere in the south when a letter plopped down in front of him. He looked up at Bobby who was waiting from some kind of reaction from him. Dean picked up the envelope and sighed as he looked it over. There wasn’t any kind of return address and the handwriting was scribbled out and warped as if it was done in a hurry. There wasn’t much of an indicator of who it was from except for where it was processed from in: Destin, Florida.

“Florida?”

“They sent it to my personal address. The only person it could be from is Sam.”

“Right.” Dean nodded and opened the envelope and pulled the paper out.

Dean,

Sometimes I wonder if I really do leave a trail like a ghoul having a picnic at Fourth of July? It’s the second time someone has accused me of doing that but we both know that isn’t true. I heard you took out a werewolf on your own. How’s the ankle? You should be more careful, you were never as good at wrapping up sprains as I was. How’s the Impala? Are you still treating her like a Queen? Why do I even bother asking? Of course you are. I miss her some days. Even though I enjoy my legs not being so cramped up, I miss her and I miss your lame ass music. I didn’t steal any weapons, I just borrowed. You taught me how to do that.

Sam

Dean shook his head slightly smirking at Sam’s last words before the rest of the letter crept up on him. He wasn’t sure what to think of Sam’s letter. It was almost as if Sam wasn’t sure what to write so he just went with what he thought what was safest. Dean was so angry at Sam though. If he missed them so much why didn’t he just come home, why didn’t he just show back up? Nothing was stopping Sam from picking up a phone and calling Bobby’s. Nothing was stopping Sam from making his way over here.

“We need to find him.” Dean set the letter down. “I don’t care what he says or what he thinks, Bobby. We need to find him.”

“How do we go about doing that?” Bobby sat down with a heavy sigh. “We already checked out the PO Box. It’s up in New York and we know those letters move from there. Some how they move from the address he gave you and they end up somewhere else. But we don’t know where.”

“We track these.” Dean waved the empty shell of an envelope at Bobby before he pointed to the postmark. “He probably writes them on the road if anything. It’s got to lead us somewhere.”

“That could take a long time, Dean.” Bobby warned.

“If it means finding Sam, I’m willing to wait.” Dean unconsciously let his fingers trail over the Latin on his wrist. “As long as it takes.”

Dean shuffled up the stairs and set Sam’s letter in an empty nightstand drawer where he kept the first one before he grabbed a clean sheet of paper and started another letter. There was so much he wanted to know about Sam. So much he needed to know that he hadn’t thought to ask but now that Sam had written back it was like he was hit by a freight train of things he had to know.

Sam,

What’s got you so scared that it would be better for you to stay away from me? It’s not how we are. It’s always been you and me, no matter what. It’s always worth the risk, Sam. Always. Is it because of Hell? No matter what happened to you down there, no matter what you did, you’re still Sam Winchester.

What are you doing? Where have you been? No one has said anything about you, not that they would if you’re supposed to be dead but Bobby has even put his ear to the ground for information on you and you’re like a ghost. I just wish you were here.

How did you even know about my ankle? Do I even want to know how you found out about that?

Dean

Dean set the letter in the envelope and addressed it off to Sam. He let his fingertips trace the curves of Sam’s name before he laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling with his feet hanging off the side of the bed trying his damnedest not to think about packing his bag to drive anywhere to find Sam. It was getting harder and harder. Taking a deep breath Dean gave a half laugh choked sob before he was on his feet and packing his bag and heading downstairs towards Bobby’s library. He vaguely remembered some kind of angry spirit somewhere around the Gulf coast that needed taking care of.

Sam

Sam set Dean’s latest letter along with the rest of the soft papers in a memory box he picked up in the middle of Oklahoma. He barely batted an eye at the postmark from Biloxi as he placed it on top of the rest of the letters and he closed the lid. He let his fingers trace over the top of the memory box. It was simple and a stained dark wood. As soon as he saw it, it was something Sam immediately associated with Dean. The clean lines and the way it felt beneath his fingers. Sam kept everything Dean wrote and gave him in that box, even the letters he couldn’t find it in himself to send to Dean. He kept it in the glove box of his truck, under lock and key.

Sometimes he wondered if that’s what his life was going to be, if this was all he was going to get to see of Dean for the rest of his life. If this was all he was worth since getting out of Hell; awkward letters that didn’t really amount to anything.

He was driving into Arkansas when he jerked the truck onto the shoulder of the road and he slid across the seats hoping like hell the black Impala that was passing him by on the opposite side of the road was just another Impala and it wasn’t Dean behind the wheel. Sam clutched a hand to his chest. He couldn’t seem to gather enough air into his lungs when a hand touched his shoulder and scared him further making it harder to breathe.

“He didn’t see you, Sam.”

“It was him,” Sam croaked and curled further into himself. “Oh God it was him, Cas.”

“You miss him.” Castiel’s grip tightened on Sam’s shoulder and Sam gave a jerky nod. “He misses you just as much as you miss him Sam.”

“I—“ Sam let out a long breath before he looked up into the bright blue eyes, “I want to go to him so much but I’m a monster now. I’m what he hunts.”

Castiel let go of Sam’s shoulder and sat staring out of the front windshield, letting the cab of the truck drift into an uncomfortable silence before he finally spoke. “I told you once that you were never meant to be taken from your path. You are putting as many obstacles in your way, just as Hell did.”

Sam sat up to look at the angel, to ask him what he meant but Castiel had already disappeared from the cab of the truck leaving Sam to wipe the corners of his eyes dry by himself. Sam shook his head clear and looked in the rearview mirror and was tempted to turn the truck around and head in the same direction the Impala was heading in but he thought better of it. He couldn’t do that not after the letters, not after what he had done to Dean.

 

Dean,

You should probably stop asking questions I can’t answer. It makes it hard for me to keep in contact with you when you do that.Anyways, I’m hunting, demons mostly. Actually I’m just hunting demons. Seems like it’s all I’m good at. That and driving. I go where it feels right. I don’t really search out cases. There’s not much of a point when demons have a knack for finding me.   
Oh and what do you mean I’m supposed to be dead? Is that the official story of Sam Winchester? I’m dead? That’s just great. All the Winchesters have officially died at some point in time now. You do realize this right? Bobby isn’t going to find anything on me, I’m like a ghost these days.As for knowing about your ankle? I guess being ‘dead’ has its perks.

Love you,  
Sam

Sam was standing outside a bed and breakfast in Louisiana wondering why the hell he was staying so close to Mississippi but it was getting late and his skin was starting to itch the way it always did when he started to get closer to demons who wanted to bring him back to hell.

He slipped onto the bed with a sigh, long fingers brushing across his scalp before his fingers toyed with the smooth keys on his cell phone. He knew Bobby’s number by heart, he could tap out the number without having to open his eyes and he might be able to hear Dean’s voice.

Instead he flipped the phone closed and reached next to the bed and plucked up a piece of standard stationary and started writing. It was better to do it this way until he figured everything out.

My eyes aren’t hazel anymore, they’re yellow. Do you remember how much we hated that color Dean? How much Dad hated that color? Well, now I see it every time I look in the mirror. Every time I see my reflection it’s a reminder as to how much of a monster I’ve become. I feel how much Hell has changed me. It’s not dreams, it’s not stress. It’s in my blood and it calls to other demons. Other things that are out there and that are like me.

I’m not human. I’m a monster. I’m everything you hunt. The second you lay eyes on me you’re going to hate what you see. You’re going to hate what I’ve become. Now do you understand why I can’t go to Bobby’s? Why I’m so afraid of seeing you again? I can’t lose you completely. If all I have are letters, then that’s what I’ll take.

Sam read over the jumble of words he wrote out the night before and snorted, “If that’s not fucked up I don’t know what is.”

He was tempted to tear up and toss the paper in the trash. He really didn’t want to keep that piece of morbidity with him. It would only serve as a reminder as what he had become but something had him grabbing the paper. Habit or instinct, Sam really wasn’t sure what had him pocketing it to bring with him. It would end up in the box just like the rest of them.

Sam rolled his shoulders and stretched the muscles in his legs out before shaking his hands out. That tingling feeling of his fingers going numb was back. He knew what that feeling was leading to. Taking a deep breath Sam grabbed his bag and headed out to the truck.

He had just barely settled his bag in the back seat when he felt a slice of heat so intense soar through his veins he was falling to his knees. Hands were pulling at his shirt and tugging him backwards not allowing him enough time to figure out what was going on as he slid along the pavement of the parking lot. His skin tearing and burning as his clothes moved against him.

He couldn’t reach his knife or his gun and he was stuck being dragged backwards as he twisted and turned, kicking and reaching out for something to grab hold of but he couldn’t find anything to help him. A heavy blow was knocked across his face and a bright plethora of colors burst across his eyes right before he was choking on blood spilling back down his throat.

It took one blow, one moment of severe pain for Sam to let go of all the control he was holding so desperately on to. He wasn’t a human fighting for his life against whatever was threatening him any longer. He was an animal desperate for survival.

His body twisted and jerked before finally it was like sparks were jumping along his body and he was free. Sam could hear the shocked gasps around him as he staggered to his feet and to a precarious balance. He wiped gritted hands on his jeans before plucking the knife from the sheath on his arm and moving towards the feral forms.

“That knife won’t do much to this many of us, Winchester.” Sam ignored the way the demon licked his teeth with a long stroke of the tongue and he kept his charcoal eyes wide open against battered skin as Sam moved in on the demon. “We found you and now it’s time to bring you home.”

“I will never go back,” Sam growled out.

“Yes, you will.” Sam’s eyes flickered over to the smaller brunette who spoke up but he kept his focus on the main threat. Sam could see the fight boiling to the surface in the demon. He could taste it in the air all from this one demon.

“You want me,” Sam met the soulless eyes head on with his amber yellow eyes, “Well, you’re going to have to take me.”

“It’ll be our pleasure.”

Sam was moving in a blur. There was a heat boiling just beneath his skin as several bodies rushed towards him and he knew that this wasn’t like the other times he fought against demons so he could remain free from Hell. There was something different about the way they were fighting this time.

Each blow that landed wasn’t meant to disable, it wasn’t meant to knock him unconscious so they could bring him back. This fight was meant to kill and he was losing. Sam let out a pained roar and everything stopped as if it were frozen in time.

He blinked the blood from his eyes and looked up and saw every demon staring down at him terrified at what he had just done. The black color started to slowly drain from their eyes. A black dust started to slip from their nostrils and down towards the ground. It started to fall towards Sam as if it were waiting for him to tell it what to do.

Sam couldn’t help the quirk of his lips when gave out a raspy, “Go to hell,” and the black dust seemed to raise up off the ground minutely before it drove towards the ground in a blanket of air. He let the satisfaction of knowing that he sent those bastards right to where they wanted to take him before he let the heaviness pull him under.

 

Castiel

He made it from Dean and back to Sam far too late to do anything about the demons but once he did make it to the younger Winchester he was frozen in place. He had never seen any kind of being display that kind of power and Sam was beaten bloody and he still held some kind of control.

Castiel could see the way Sam was starting to lose grip on the last strands of consciousness. He was across the parking lot and moving Sam back towards the room he had just left. Castiel looked around the room and tried his best to make Sam comfortable. He tugged the hunter’s coat and boots off before he cleaned the blood off Sam’s face.

“You need more than this world can give you while you are by yourself.” Castiel whispered. “You need your other half, Sam.”


	4. Chapter 4

Sam

This wasn’t how Sam expected to wake up. He expected to hurt and to hurt worse than he had hurt in a long time but he didn’t. There was just a dull ache under his skin. A smart throb across his nose and cheeks but he was able to breathe through his nose. His could feel the pull along his chest and ribs but it wasn’t any worse than a pulled muscle and a deep bruise. It wasn’t what it should have been.

“You should clean up,” Castiel’s voice was quiet from the side of his bed. “Maybe get something to eat and drink.”

“How long have I been asleep?” Sam asked but what he really wanted to know was how long Cas hadn’t been watching over Dean.

“Just last night and this afternoon,” Castiel stood up and placed an envelope on the nightstand next to Sam’s bed. “I took the liberty of procuring that for you but we need to talk before I go back to Dean.”

Sam grabbed the letter and looked over towards the angel. “Okay, let me clean up first and then we can talk?”

“I’ll get you something to eat.”

“Thanks,” Sam set the letter down and headed towards the bathroom with cautious steps. Turning the shower on, he peeled his tattered clothes off and shuddered at the memory of what had happened. Then he frowned, trying to figure out how he healed so quickly. There’s no way he should even be up and walking but he was.

“Demon blood,” Sam let out a shaky breath as he stepped beneath the hot spray of water. “That’s going to be my explanation for all the freaky shit that happens to me for now on.”

~*~

Sam was sitting on his bed eating the pancakes Castiel had some how procured for him as he waited for the angel to start off the conversation.

“Do you remember what happened yesterday?”

“Demons got the drop on me, pretty much killed me and I’m miraculously healed.” Sam gulped down some orange juice and stared at Castiel realizing he didn’t remember everything exactly and sighed. “What else happened?”

“I believe I understand why the demons want you gone now.” Castiel rested his elbows on his knees and he met Sam’s gaze. “You have the ability to control them, Sam. That is something no being has ever done before and you can do it because of the blood running through your veins.”

“I can do what?”

“When I got here you had every demon frozen in place while you fought to stay conscious. Then you told them to go to Hell and I believe that is exactly where they went without exorcism, enchantment or spell. They went just because you commanded it.”

Sam snorted and pushed the Styrofoam plate of pancakes and syrup away before he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “That’s awesome.”

“What’s awesome?”

“I’m actually the Boy King.” Sam buried his face in his hands. “After everything, killing Azazel and the apocalypse I’m still Azazel’s fucking Boy King with yellow eyes and freaky powers.”

“You are powerful Sam and demons fear you for that. But understanding why they want you back in Hell is a step in the right direction. At least now we know why they are after you.”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded and pulled his plate back to himself. “It just sucks. You’re used to one way of life and after one trip to Hell everything changes. I’m not the hunter I once was. I’m still a hunter but one who other hunters would kill if they ever saw me. I’m afraid of what my own brother would do if he ever saw me again. What a way to live. I just have to figure out what to do.”

Sam twirled a slice of pancake in the syrup before he looked up to Cas, “Do I use my monster abilities or do I stay as human as I can for as long as I can?”

“That’s up to you, Sam. I need to get back to Dean and you should probably go soon.”

“I had a feeling you would say that.” Sam muttered as Castiel disappeared out of the room and he finished off his breakfast. He tossed his trash in the garbage and he plucked up Dean’s letter.

Sam,

You know me always asking the hard to answer questions and never knowing when to leave well enough alone, especially when it comes to you. At least I know you’re still alive and kicking right?

So you’re hunting again? Never thought I’d see the day Sam Winchester would willingly go out and hunt by himself. Guess pigs do fly. Just promise me you’re being careful okay? I can’t loose you again because you’re doing something stupid like hunting alone.

You always liked driving. Even when you bitched and moaned I think you felt more at home in a car than you ever felt at home in a place with four walls and a roof. You remember that one time we stopped out in Arkansas and just stared up in the sky? The sky’s different there, thicker, darker and not as many stars as in a place like Arizona or something. It’s like you can just get lost in it.

Some of those nights were my favorite nights Sam. Just you, me and the road. I know you probably don’t believe me but it’s true. I miss that Sam.

Enough with the chick flick, just call or text me or something, Sam? Letters fucking suck and take too long.

Love ya,

Dean

 

Sam tucked the letter in the pocket of his bag and grabbed his keys off the nightstand. Cas was right he needed to head out of here before it got too late or another group of demons got a lock on his location.

Dean

“There’s a demon problem out in Rolla,” Bobby tossed a heavy newspaper across his desk towards Dean as he headed across the library. “I want you to go look into it.”

“How do you know its demons?” Dean plopped down in the chair across from Bobby and flipped through the paper nibbling on his lower lip.

“There’s been wide spread memory loss, black outs, and extreme bouts of violence in the area.”

“It happens sometimes Bobby, kind of like werewolves and full moons.”

“Yeah well my preacher friend called me in on it and said it was demons. I’m going to go with him on this one.” Bobby tugged on his cap. “I just need you to see what’s happening with this.”

“They could all be gone by the time I get there, you do know this right?” Dean rolled his lips together but was already getting to his feet and heading towards the door.

“I’ve got a feeling about this kid. There’s something going on and someone needs to check it out.”

“Well, I’ll call you if anything happens.” Dean saluted Bobby before heading up the stairs to pack his bag. He was almost finished when something had him stopping mid-motion. It was almost like there was someone else in the room with him but he didn’t hear Bobby come upstairs.

“Hello Dean.”

“Cas?” Dean dropped the shirt he was holding in his hands and he stared up at the angel. “What are you doing here?”

“Do you want to see your brother?”

“What do you mean do I want to see Sam?” Dean’s eyes widened, “Of course I want to see Sam. How could I not?”

Dean sat down on the bed and rested his face in his hands, “I feel like I’m dying here. Knowing that he’s alive and I’m stuck here without him. I just don’t know what to do with out him, Cas.”

“I have something you need to see before you leave for Rolla,” Castiel tilted his head as if he were sizing Dean up.

“What’s so special that you decided to show up now?”

Castiel pulled out a piece of paper and held it tight in his hands staring Dean in the eyes, “I’ve done what Sam has asked of me for a long time. I’ve let him decide what to do even when it wasn’t good for him but sometimes someone else needs to intervene to make things better.”

“What is this?” Dean took the proffered paper and smoothed it out while he waited for Castiel to start explaining.

“That is what your brother thinks of himself,” Castiel spoke softly. There was something about his voice that seemed off. His voice was so full of regret it tore at Dean as he listened to the angel speak, “You’re the only person he will believe. You are what he needs.”

Dean was giving Castiel a confused look before white-hot fear curled tight in his gut at the thought of what could be happening to Sam. “What do you mean? What’s going on with Sam?”

“Go to Rolla and see your brother, Dean.” Castiel stepped back, “Let him decide whether or not to come to you.”

“You can’t expect me to go there, see him and just leave! I can’t lose him again.”

“He’s afraid, Dean.”

“Of what?” Dean turned stood up, “I don’t understand any of this. I don’t get it.”

“Read what I gave you. It’ll explain everything Sam is afraid of.”

“Right,” Dean let out a long breath and looked up to ask Castiel another question but the angel was mysteriously missing.

Dean unfolded the crumpled piece of paper and started reading. His eyes immediately picking out the words yellow, monster, in my blood, can’t lose you, that’s what I’ll take. They were the words that hurt the most for Sam. The almost were penned straight through the paper and the ink was so dark it hurt Dean thinking about the state Sam was in to have written that.

Taking a deep breath Dean plunged into reading and felt his gut twist from the hurt in Sam’s words. He had barely finished reading the letter before he was tearing through his clean clothes and stuffing them in his bag how ever he could. He slid down the hallway and made a grab for whatever toiletries he could find and shoving them haphazardly into his leather case. On his way out he ran into Bobby.

“Where’s the fire? Rolla ain’t that important.”

“Sam’s there,” Dean pushed by Bobby and shoved the leather case into his duffle bag before handing over the letter Cas had given him to Bobby. “Cas showed up and talked a whole lot about Sam. I gotta go, Bobby.”

Dean pulled on Sam’s hoodie and made quick work around the room to make sure he had everything he needed before he moved to the nightstand and grabbed every letter and carefully tucked those into a side pocket of the bag and looked up to meet Bobby’s watery eyes.

“Son of bitch is more stubborn than your Daddy.” Bobby tugged at his hat and handing the letter back over to Dean. “You’re going to get him where ever he is? Set him straight? You’re going to tell him that this is all a lie. He ain’t a monster.”

“It’s Sam,” Dean shouldered his bag, “Of course I’m going to set him straight.”

Bobby nodded and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck tight before stepping back, “You tell him no matter how much he’s changed he could never be a monster. He’s still a Winchester, he’s still a hunter and he’s still Sam Winchester.”

~*~

Dean had barely pulled in to the outskirts of Rolla when Castiel popped in the backseat of the Impala. Dean barely blinked at the added presence in the car and kept driving wishing that it was Sam instead.

“Head towards Pine Street.”

“Sam’s there.”

“Yes,” Castiel nodded. “Do not interfere with what’s happening. You need to understand what your brother can do. You need to see who he has become.”

“Even if he’s getting the crap beat out of him?” Dean gripped the steering wheel tight and ground his teeth together.

“He is not who you remember, Dean.” Castiel looked out the windshield and set a hand on Dean’s shoulder, “Promise you will let him come to you.”

“I can’t promise that.” Dean whispered.

“Then I will have to stop you.”

Dean looked at Castiel in the rearview mirror before giving a jerky nod and croaking out, “I promise.”

“Good,” Castiel nodded and pointed a few blocks down the street, “Stop there.”

Dean parked the Impala in the middle of the street. Castiel’s hand on his shoulder what the only reminder that he was still in the car, he pulled the keys from the ignition and then he was moving with slow steps along the sidewalk.

His breath materialized against the cool air as he watched Sam, his Sam, move out from the sidewalk and into the street. His breath was caught in his chest at the sight of Sam dressed in nothing but a short sleeved tee-shirt and jeans. He had a leather knife sheath strapped to his arm and it pressed against the muscles as he flexed his hands out.

Then it really hit him. Sam was really here and he was actually alive and breathing. Dean was waiting for Sam to do something anything but he was frozen.

He watched as Sam’s fingers twitched and his head tilted to one side listening to everything that was happening around him. The entire world seemed to fall silent and then it happened.

Sam’s eyes flickered open and his entire body moved as if he were a blur as demons scampered out from nowhere and started to attack. Dean had to fight down every instinct within him not to run over there to pull demons off of Sam and to fight side by side with Sam, to just sit still and watch like he promised.

He had never seen Sam move with so much control or elegance before yet, here he was now taking out a group of demons like they were flies. His hand work, the way he used his weight and body to follow through with each attack before he quickly slid the dagger into each vessel, Dean was in awe of how much Sam had grown and how much he had learned.

When Sam was finished he closed his eyes and clenched his fists so tight Dean could feel the pain from where he was standing. He wanted to go to Sam so badly but Castiel’s death grip across his shoulders and chest wouldn’t allow him to move. “Please Cas, please let me go to him.”

Sam’s eyes landed on them as soon as he heard Dean’s pleas. Dean was pulling at Castiel’s hands to get free. He was pushing against Castiel’s hold to get free but it was pointless. He was stuck staring and waiting for Sam to make the first move.

“Dean,” Sam’s voice drifted across the frigid air and to Dean.

“Please,” the word slipped from Dean’s lips again. He couldn’t breathe when Sam started to move. Everything in his chest broke when Sam started moving away from him instead of moving towards him. Dean was clawing at Castiel’s hands trying to go after Sam. He just needed to get to him.

“Let me go!” Dean was struggling against the iron tight hold the angel had on him. “This isn’t fair. Sam! Sam, please! You can’t do this!”

Sam stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and he flexed his fingers out before he looked over his shoulder to meet Dean’s gaze. His eyes were such a vibrant yellow and tears were spilling over his cheeks. Dean felt his muscles instinctively coil at the sight and he hoped like hell Sam didn’t see any outward reaction because this was his one and only chance at getting him back.

“How’d you find me?” Sam’s voice broke and Dean sagged against Castiel’s hold.

“Well it seems like that body guard you sent has multiple uses,” Dean tried for a lighter tone but he could feel the hot trails of tears ghosting over his skin.

“He does,” Sam nodded as he bit into his lip and turned away from Dean.

“Don’t!” Dean’s hand automatically shot out as he spoke and Sam’s face jerked up at his raised voice, “Don’t hide from me, Sam. You’re still my Sam no matter what’s changed. I still love you.”

“No,” Sam shook his head as he took another step away from Dean. “You see yellow eyes but you don’t see the rest of what I’ve become. You don’t see the monster I am, Dean.”

“I know that you think you’re a monster, and I know that you’re not.” Dean whispered, “I know that you’ve got a whole lot of demons following you because of something in your blood and I don’t give a damn about any of that. All I care about is getting you back.”

Dean waited and waited for Sam to do or say anything but he did nothing. Dean felt like everything he had been doing the past year and half was pointless. If he wasn’t going to get Sam back then why did Castiel do this? Why did he want to break them like this? Dean sat hard on a crumbling piece of sidewalk and spoke towards the graying pavement, “Just promise me that you’ll keep writing? Cause I don’t know if I can take loosing that part of you too. I got to see you so that was good but just don’t stop writing to me, okay?”

“Dean,” Sam’s voice was right there and his hands were titling Dean’s face upwards. “Look at me and tell me this doesn’t scare you. Tell me I don’t make you want to kill.”

Dean covered Sam’s hands with his own. His fingers automatically curling around Sam’s as he gave Sam a watery smile, “You don’t scare me and I don’t want to kill you. I just, I just want you back in my life Sam.”

Sam pressed his forehead against Dean’s and took a deep breath as his hands slid from Dean’s face to around his shoulders. Dean let himself fall against Sam’s chest and felt the rapid rise and fall of Sam’s breathing as deepened to match his own. His face was pressed in close to the crook of Sam’s neck and every breath he took he got lost in the fact that Sam was really here.

“Are you coming with me?” Dean asked with his fingers still clutched in the back of Sam’s shirt. Dean didn’t want to ask the rest of the question but it was Sam. He buried his eyes in Sam’s shoulder and his next words were muffled, “Or are you going to go somewhere else?”

Dean could feel Sam’s fingers curl even tighter along his jacket and he knew what Sam was going to say. He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over. He couldn’t help the way he buried his face in Sam’s shoulder trying to get as much contact with Sam before he disappeared again.

The words were whispered against Dean’s ear, “I can’t,” and Dean held onto Sam even tighter. He was going to keep Sam as close to him as long as he could.

Sam

Leaving Dean was the hardest thing he had ever done. He could still feel the way Dean’s fingers dug into his skin, the way his chest pressed against his and Sam knew if he looked back he’d never make it out of Rolla. He’d turn around and he’d be right back there with Dean agreeing to curl up in the front seat of the Impala and to go wherever Dean was going. He couldn’t do that.

Raising a fist to his lips Sam kept walking ignoring the choked off sounds he could hear coming from Dean. He barely stopped when Castiel appeared in front of him.

“You can’t do this Sam.”

Sam sidestepped the angel and kept walking, “I have to. I have to leave because he doesn’t understand what he’s seeing. He doesn’t see all of me, Cas. He isn’t seeing the monster. He isn’t seeing the entire picture.”

“Dean is here,” Castiel’s voice was the only thing that could be heard over the whistling of the wind. “He knew that you changed. He knows that you are no longer human, Sam. You walk away now then you might never get him back.”

Sam chanced looking back at Dean and what he saw broke at the already jagged edges of his soul. Dean was still kneeling on the pavement, his head bowed with his hands covering his face. His shoulders were shaking and Sam knew how much this was hurting him. Sam looked back at Castiel and he floundered for something to say before he swallowed down all the ache and all the regret that was going to come from what he was about to say as soon as the words passed his lips, “But I know he’s alive.”

“How long will Dean last now without you?” The angel asked Sam before he disappeared off the street.

Sam let out a slow breath of air and just stood there not sure what to do. He didn’t know if he should keep going without Dean or to let Dean see what he really was. If he should let his brother finally decide how much of a monster he really was.

Making a snap decision Sam turned around and with quick steps he was standing in front of Dean and grabbing his arm. He ignored Dean’s sputtering and confusion, “You need to understand before you make any decision.”

“Sam!” Dean scrambled to right him self and Sam dragged him towards where he had his truck parked. Sam hoped to whatever God thought he was still good enough to get out of Hell that this was going to work out.

He slammed Dean against the side of the truck and planted a palm on his chest, “Don’t move.”

“Calm down,” Dean’s voice was calm and even, like he was trying not to spook a wild animal. Sam would have laughed if he wasn’t so keyed up.

“There are things you need to understand, Dean.” Sam yanked open the glove box and took a deep breath before he brought the box to rest on the side of the truck next to Dean. He flipped it open and ignored the curious gaze he got from Dean as he shuffled through the letters to find what he was looking for. He found the Saturn Seal and grasped it along the chain before he looked at Dean. “You remember when you sent me this?”

Dean ducked his eyes and looked at the ground before coughing into his hand, “You were supposed to wear it.”

Sam nudged Dean’s face upwards to meet his as he took a deep breath. His nostrils flaring already preparing for the pain that he knew was going to come as soon as the metal from the Seal touched his skin much less he put it on. “You need to watch this.”

Sam raised the chain over his hair and he dropped it over his head. He barely registered the way it caught on his hair and his ears because the flare of pain was instantaneous. It was like thousands of needles sliding across and through his skin. Everything was burning and all he could do was freeze and look up at Dean with wide yellow eyes.

“Jesus,” Dean whispered and he yanked the pendant off and relief was immediate. Sam took a deep breath and he looked away.

“It makes me useless because I’m evil, Dean. Evil!” Sam shouted it straight at Dean’s face. When Dean moved to reach out Sam yanked away and let out a pained moan. “You don’t understand it all. There’s more.”

“I don’t care!” Dean yelled back his voice growing hoarse. “You’re still Sammy! You’re still my Sammy.”

Sam spun around and his eyes focused in on the street corner where he saw someone walking. He recognized that familiar tug, that heat that soared through his veins when a demon was near. He knew that this was what he was going to take to get his message through to Dean and this was going to cost him everything. Sam looked back at Dean and whispered, “You still don’t understand.”

“Then tell me!”

“I’ll show you,” Sam whispered before he started moving. Inky eyes connected with Sam’s before there was a vile grin that crossed the demon’s face and Sam couldn’t help the chill that poured through his chest. This was it. Taking a deep breath Sam lifted a hand and watched the demon raise his hands up to the vessel’s neck. “Leave.”

Sam watched a cloud of black dust slip from his nose and it hovered there, waiting for him to tell it what to do next. Sam looked over his shoulder at Dean and swallowed down his fear from Dean’s wide eyes before he clenched his fist and refocused on what he was doing. “Go to Hell.”

He felt the burst of heat against his skin as the dust dove towards the ground and he stumbled backwards as it disappeared into nothingness. Sam kept his eyes closed terrified of what was about to come.

What he wasn’t prepared for was a pair of arms to wrap around from behind him, one hand to rest just over his heart and the other around his waist as Dean rested his face in between his shoulder blades.

“I don’t give a fuck, Sam.”

Sam felt everything in him shift from Dean’s words and it was like he could finally breathe again. He let his head hang down against his chest and took a deep breath before he was spinning around in Dean’s arms. He buried his face in Dean’s neck, taking in the rich scent of leather and spice that could only belong to him.

“You can’t leave me,” Dean’s lips brushed against Sam’s ear as he spoke, “Promise that you won’t leave me, Sam.”

Sam stepped back from Dean and he let his hands tilt Dean’s face back to meet his, “I won’t leave unless I have to, Dean. Unless they try to hurt you, otherwise I’m with you.”

Dean pressed his lips together in a tight line and Sam understood the war that was raging inside Dean’s mind. He knew how difficult this was for Dean to accept this little bit of room his was giving him. Finally Dean brought his hands up and covered Sam’s before he let his eyes fall shut.

Sam watched as Dean’s lips parted and his moistened his lips. He watched the way Dean’s chest gave a rapid rise and fall as he chose within seconds and Sam couldn’t help it. He leaned in and rested his forehead against Dean and he could feel the shallow puffs of air coming from Dean’s mouth against his lips.

“Please say this is going to be okay. If I have to leave because they find you or because they realize how much you mean to me you have to let me go Dean. Otherwise I can’t do this. I can’t risk it.”

Dean gave a slight nod before he opened his eyes and stared at Sam, “I promise.”

Dean

Driving back to South Dakota without Sam in the Impala wasn’t easy. It didn’t matter that he could see Sam in his rearview mirror or the bulk of the gray truck if a car moved in between them on the interstate. He was terrified that Sam would decide that it was better if he left and that he would just leave. It wasn’t something Dean could actually handle behind the wheel of a car.

His entire body was vibrating with a need to get closer to Sam. He needed to touch Sam again, he needed to breathe in that heady scent and only then he could breathe, only then he could calm down.

Dean caught the green mile marker on the side of the road and grimaced as he calculated the miles to Bobby’s. There were too many, it would take too long. Taking a deep breath Dean glanced down at his watch and sighed. It was only one o’clock. If they were lucky, they’d make it there by late evening.

~*~

 

Dean pulled up outside of Bobby’s and sat inside the Impala waiting for Sam to pull in. He had been sitting in the car for a few moments before he heard that same distinctive tap on the outside of his window the first time he had shown up at Bobby’s. Dean looked up into the curious eyes of the elder hunter and rested his face on the steering wheel trying to figure out where he lost Sam.

“Dean,” Bobby’s voice was muffled but he got the picture. He popped the door open so he could hear Bobby more clearly. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Dean gave a defeated shrugged and sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Well why don’t you start from the beginning?”

“I thought he’d be here. He was right behind me and now he’s not here. He was never planning on coming, Bobby. He was just trying to get me to leave and as soon as I let my guard down he was gone.”

“Well,” Bobby tugged on his hat before he grabbed Dean’s arm, “You can’t mope all night in there. It’s more comfortable in the house and I’ve got beer.”

Dean peered up at Bobby and snorted, “Beer sounds awesome.”

“It ain’t going to wait all night,” Bobby headed towards the house and Dean followed after him with his bag over his shoulder and a shuffled step. Dean dropped his bag to the floor with a heavy thump and ignored the grunt Bobby gave him in favor of heading straight for the fridge and a cold beer.

They both sat at the rickety kitchen table for the longest time staring at everything but each other gulping down their drinks. Bobby finally took initiative and broke the silence. “It’s not your fault he ain’t here Dean. Sam’s probably got a good reason for doing what he did. He wouldn’t hurt you unless there was one hell of a good reason.”

“I don’t care,” Dean’s voice broke and he slammed the beer bottle down on the table as he stood up. “I don’t care if he thinks him being around me is going to start up another apocalypse! I just want my- I just want Sam back. “

Dean moved through Bobby’s house and up the stairs before he slammed the door to the room that had been his for as long as he stayed with Bobby. He pulled off his jacket and dug through the sparse clothes he left in the drawers and headed for a shower. He needed to get rid of the road. He needed to get rid of the one thing he could never have again. He couldn’t have that lingering scent of Sam teasing him with every step he took.

The water was as hot as Dean could run it and he scrubbed his skin as hard as he could manage. He could still feel Sam everywhere, he could still smell him no matter what he did and it burned deep in his chest to know that Sam wasn’t going to be here with him. Dean didn’t realize he was crying until he felt the bodying racking hiccups pulse through his body and his breath catch.

He didn’t realize how much he needed Sam, how much he missed him until now. It was like someone carved a hole in his chest and there was nothing that could stop the hurt. There was nothing that could take the ache away. He was in this by himself and he wasn’t ever going to get Sam back.

Turning the water off Dean dried off and tugged on the fresh clothes before heading for the bedroom. He clicked off the light and slid beneath the covers curling into himself. The bed had never been so lumpy, the air had never been so stale and he had never been so cold. This was what he had to look forward to. Nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam

He was probably hours behind Dean by now but he felt the pressure of guilt from first leaving Dean, fear of what could happen pressing against his skull as soon as he realized that they were hours within South Dakota. The need to turn back and run, to protect the only thing he had left keeping him alive so that’s what he did. He slowed down just enough that enough cars slipped in between the Impala and his truck and then he disappeared. It was what he was good at.

Now he was on the side of the road thirty minutes outside of Bobby’s at three in the morning trying to figure out if he really wanted to put both Dean and Bobby at risk. He made it this far, he was this close. Something was telling him that this was what he wanted. That being with Dean was what he really needed but he was terrified of what could happen.

No matter how many times Dean would say he didn’t care what happened, Sam would always care. He would always worry about what might happen because he was tagging along with Dean. He was a demon magnet and if Dean got caught in the crossfire the damage could be disastrous. He didn’t heal as quickly, he didn’t move as fast. He might be a hunter but he wasn’t a monster.

Sam did his best to push all that to the back of his mind and he cranked the engine and he was driving. He finally listened to what Castiel told him. Dean was what he needed. He was what was anchoring him to his humanity. If demons or anything tried to hurt the hunter, Sam did have a few advantages over them.

Parking outside of Bobby’s it was just like he remembered it, a bit dirty and unkempt but warded to the gills. He could feel the traps hidden under the roofs of the carports, the bucket of what looked like water wasn’t really water – it was holy water. Sam let out a long breath before he leaned across the seats to grab the box containing all of Dean’s letters before he stuffed it in his bag and headed for the door. He didn’t even make it up the first step before Bobby was opening the door with a shotgun perched on his shoulder.

“Took you long enough.”

“I had to make sure I was doing the right thing, Bobby.” Sam muttered.

“Well you’re a damn idjit for what you put your brother through tonight.” Bobby took a sweeping glance of how much he changed. Sam couldn’t help but cringe at the way Bobby froze at his eyes.

“Can I come in?” Sam asked and Bobby stepped back. Sam stared down at the devil’s trap and sighed. He stepped in it and felt a lance of pain shoot through his chest before he walked through it.

“Dean’s upstairs in the room the two of you shared. You might want to let him know that you’re here before you decide to take the couch for the night. It would be the polite thing to do.” Bobby shrugged at his suggestion. Sam took a few steps towards the stairs before Bobby grunted, “Hell kid, c’mere. I missed you’re gigantic ass.”

Sam found himself wrapped tight in Bobby’s arms and his bag digging tight in his side but he couldn’t find it in himself to give a damn. As long as Bobby was here and didn’t care that he changed, he didn’t care about much. He still had his family.

“Missed you too, Bobby,” Sam gripped Bobby back just as tight before he let the elder man go. “I’m exhausted so I’m going to head up.”

Sam headed for a shower first. The need to wash away the road and the stress was overwhelming. Then he was standing in the doorway of the room he and Dean shared as kids whenever Dad would drop them off before he’d take off on a hunt.

Dean was curled up on his side with his hands against the mattress slightly hidden by the sheets and pillows. His breathing was soft and slow and Sam didn’t want to wake him at all. Sleep like that was hard to come by and the fact that Dean was sleeping at all was amazing. He took a few steps around to the opposite side of the bed and sat down letting his fingers brush against the sleep smoothed features on Dean’s face. The lines of concentration, of anger had all disappeared while Dean slept. He looked peaceful and Sam was loath to wake him.

Brushing a hand along the side of Dean’s neck did the trick. Dean’s eyes slipped open and he was wiping a hand over his eyes trying to focus as he woke up. When Dean saw Sam sitting next to him he froze and rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes again making sure what he saw was real.

“Hey, Dean,” Sam grabbed Dean’s hands to put a stop to the flurry of motions. “You’re going to end up putting your eye out if you keep up with that.”

“Where were you?” Dean’s hands moved from his face to Sam’s. “You were supposed to be right behind me.”

“I’m here,” Sam grabbed Dean and tugged him down to the bed. He wrapped his arms around Dean, his face only a breath away from Dean’s, “I’m not leaving you. No matter what, I promise you.”

Dean pressed a hand to the side of Sam’s neck and closed his eyes, “You mean it? There isn’t going to be any of that leaving crap if things start to get rough?”

“You can handle it,” Sam murmured as he scooted closer, “And if you can’t I’m pretty sure I can.”

Dean gave him a sleepy smile and Sam felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest from the reaction his words gathered. It had been so long since he had seen Dean smile like that Sam knew that he would do whatever it took to keep Dean like this. Dean was all that mattered right now.

~*~

Sam woke up to a weak ray of dawn streaming through the window and the sound of paper crinkling. He looked towards the foot of the bed to where Dean was hunched over and saw his shoulders shaking and a sloppy mess of yellowing papers to the side of him.

“Dean?”

“You wrote to me,” Dean’s voice was thick with pain and emotions that Sam couldn’t even begin to understand from beneath the cotton of sleep but when Dean couldn’t look back at him that was when Sam registered what Dean was actually reading. “You wrote to me almost every day you were back and you hurting so much. You went through all of this alone. No one should have gone through this by themselves, Sammy. It was like you were broken.”

Sam crawled towards the end of the bed and gathered the letters from Dean’s hands and up off the bed before tucking each of them back into the memory box. “I did what I had to do, Dean. It was my turn to protect you.”

There were trails of tears down Dean’s cheeks and Sam instinctively raised his hand to wipe the moisture away but Dean stopped him, “It’s always been me and you Sam. Since the beginning.”

“But this time it would have been different,” Sam rubbed a thumb over the ink he couldn’t seem to focus on. It made his heart leap against his chest and it made his eyes sting hearing the words said out loud that matched the Latin tattooed along Dean’s skin. “I made a decision and whether you want to believe it or not, I did have you the entire time Dean. I knew that you were somewhere out there alive and that’s what kept me going.”

“You saw me once.” Dean looked over at Sam.

“I did,” Sam bit into his lip and curled his fingers into his palms. “And I thought I was going to lose it. I thought I would turn around and follow you and I was so damn thankful I didn’t.”

“The demons?” Dean guessed.

“Yeah,” Sam nodded not being very forth coming on the subject. He remembered waking up and remembering how badly he had been beaten and how undamaged his body was. He remembered how thankful that he was a freak. “You remember how long ago that was?”

Dean looked over at Sam after he calculated the time in his head, “That was almost three weeks ago Sam. What happened to you?”

“I got hurt,” Sam ducked his head down and covered his eyes before he finished the thought off with a strangled sob, “If I were human I’d probably be dead.”

 

Dean

Dean heard the choked off sounds coming from Sam. He could feel the hurt radiating off of Sam and the only thing he could thing to do to make any of this better for Sam was to hold him. A tight grasp and a reassuring touch would have Sam turning his face into Dean’s neck and his breathing slowing. He slid his hand through Sam’s hair and rubbed at his scalp trying to calm Sam down the only way he knew how to. This time it didn’t seem to work.

“Sam,” Dean barely whispered his name out before he was moving his hands to Sam’s face to get Sam’ to look him in the eye. He needed to get Sam to understand that he was here for him, that he would always be here for him. “It’s okay. It’s okay and you’re here. I’m not going to leave you and that’s all that matters.”

Dean stared straight into the bright yellow eyes that were filling with tears and he rested his forehead against Sam’s. He could feels Sam’s breathing starting to slow against his lips and Dean couldn’t help but hope that it had something do with the way he looked Sam right in the eye without flinching. Sam was everything to him and Sam would always be everything to him. It was like he could breathe easier with Sam around, with Sam not hurting.

A warmth covered Dean’s hand and he realized where he had placed it, over Sam’s heart and he couldn’t help the weak smile that Sam’s gesture pulled at his lips.

“Fuck it, it’s not even breakfast and I’m crying over you. Look what you’re doing to me, turning me into a chick.” Dean grinned over at Sam when he got a snort of laughter, “I’m going back to sleep.”

“You haven’t changed.”

“I’ve changed more than you think, Sam.” Dean whispered as he tossed an arm over Sam’s waist to keep him close.

 

Waking up to Sam’s fingers tracing over his wrist was odd sensation. He could feel the calloused tips tracing the lines of ink. Every curve Sam’s fingertip made sent a prickle of awareness up Dean’s arm and straight down his spine. The sleep slow breath quickened and Dean couldn’t hide the fact that he was awake any longer. Especially when Sam’s fingers stuttered in their movements then started up again.

“The beginning,” Sam whispered the translated words towards the wall of the bedroom and Dean gave a small nod Sam wouldn’t be able to see. “Why’d you get it? You didn’t even want to get the anti-possession tattoo. This one is different though. You did this for someone.”

“Of course it is,” Dean snorted.

“Who?”

“Sam,” Dean let out a breathy sigh before he continued on, “Who else has been there from the beginning? I wanted something that reminded me no matter what happens that there is good out there. There is a reason that I’m doing this and it was for one reason and one reason alone. It’s always been you, Sam, ever since the beginning.”

Sam’s fingers stopped the gliding tracks they were making along Dean’s wrist and he held Dean’s wrist, thumb brushing against the pulse point as they breathed in silence. Dean snapped his eyes shut when he felt Sam shifting around to face him. He could feel the weight of every question, every thought encompassed in Sam’s gaze lying against his skin. When Sam’s hand moved to rest against his cheek, finger’s curling over his ear and into his hair Dean finally opened his eyes to meet Sam’s amber eyes.

“You have changed.”

“What can I say? Losing the one person you love more than life changes a guy.” Dean gave a lopsided smile and felt Sam tug his face closer. Dean could feel Sam’s breath as their noses brushed against each other.

This was what Dean had thought he lost. This closeness, Sam lying right next to him, breathing and sharing the same air as he was. There was this pull right below his belly button that made him want to wrap his arms tighter around Sam, to pull him in as close as he could. He just wanted to keep Sam here. Losing Sam again would rip his soul to pieces where Alistair couldn’t.

“I love you, so damn much,” Sam words brushed against Dean’s lips and Dean couldn’t hold back any longer. He was pressing hard against Sam, breathing in that scent that managed to tear him apart and calm him all at the same time. Sam’s lips were soft and pliant against his. He brought his hands up to cup Sam’s jaw, his thumbs brushing the corners of Sam’s lips. That taste, that warmth.

“Sam,” Dean breathed out and rested his forehead against Sam’s. He stared into the yellow rimmed eyes and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Sam’s lips when he felt the grip Sam had around him tighten.

 

Sam

There was so much more he wanted to say, so much more he was feeling but he couldn’t put everything into words. Touch wouldn’t be enough. No matter how close he held Dean, or how long they were together it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing would be enough for what Dean had done for him since he had jumped in the Cage; the memories, the letters and finally finding him in Rolla.

The moment he held Dean in his arms he felt like he could be saved. He wasn’t drowning in the evil that was tainting his blood. It was going to be okay again.

Burying his face in Dean’s neck Sam did the only thing he could think of, “Thank you.”

“For what, Sammy?”

“For bringing me back home.” Sam pulled back to look Dean in the eye, “For not giving up on me once you found out I was here.”

“Could never give up on you, Sam. It’s always been me and you.”

Sam pressed his lips against Dean’s, his fingers tracing the ink along his wrist, “Since the beginning.”

 

Fin


End file.
